Day My Life Changed-Becoming a Widow
By Michelle Boers, Director National of Accounts, Climb Channel Solutions
February 20, 2022, I experienced an emotional/physical pain that I never knew was even possible. I lost my partner of 28 years, Rob, to a brain tumor. October 26, 2021, he collapsed at home and was brought by ambulance to the hospital. We had no clue what was going on. Four days prior he had been diagnosed with diabetes, and we thought it was related to that. As this was during COVID I was not able to be in the emergency room with him. I stayed as close by to him as I could, and I would call the emergency department for updates. Eventually I was told that he was being admitted and to go home and call back in the morning.
The next morning, I called, and I was told over the phone that they had found a mass in his brain. He was diagnosed with a brain tumor the size of a goose egg and they would need to do surgery. On November 2, he underwent a craniotomy, and they were able to get most of it and we were very hopeful at the prognosis. He came home, we celebrated small wins and focused on recovery. During this time, I still worked. My employer was very understanding and allowed me to do what needed to be done to care for him. My work gave me some normalcy and honesty something to hold onto for my sanity. Except for a few, most in my professional life did not know that my world was upside down. We had doctors’ appointments, MRIs, and physiotherapy among some of the daily activities. At one point I white boarded all his doctors and specialist to keep track and it was over ten. Six weeks later he started regressing and went back to the hospital we went where he was readmitted. His tumor had started to grow back far more rapidly than anyone had expected. The doctors and nurses at the hospital were amazing during this time frame. I got to see firsthand how hard they work and the compassion they have. In the 4 months, we had been through two code blues, one week in the intensive care unit and other challenges.The doctors called one afternoon while I was at home, and they were at his bedside, with me on speaker phone to let us know that they had done everything they could and that he was now terminal. One month later Rob passed away peacefully in hospice. My life forever changed that day.
I was now a widow, what a weird term. In my mind that only happened to old people. Here I was close to 52 feeling more than lost. I remember going to the grocery store and standing there and it hit me, now I was shopping for one and it was strange.
There is something called Widow's Fog. I can tell you firsthand that it is real. The brain is amazing and does whatever it can to protect itself. For 16 months following Rob's death I also lost 1 cat and 3 dogs, all seniors. I went from a household of two humans and five animals, to one human and a cat. I went through the motions of life doing my best to survive as the grief compounded. Yes, I worked, traveled, rode my horses, laughed, cried, spent time with friends etc. It was in quiet times, usually driving, that the sadness would come, so I kept as busy as I could, so there would be less time for quiet. I also made the conscious decision to seek and live by joy, to find joy wherever I could. During this time, I was surrounded by my brother, my friends and neighbors who stepped up and helped without asking.
There were people I barely knew who took the time to reach out to me with their condolences. Even though I didn't answer all of them as my emotional energy was depleted, their thoughts and prayers did help. I was now part of a group of people that were in the same club none of us wanted to join, the widows and widowers. While each person’s journey with losing a spouse is truly their own, there are some commonalities. As they shared their experiences with me and their words of advice, I found my way. I did find an online group dedicated to widows and I read their stories of grief, challenges, happiness and in some cases finding love again. Through this I realized that I was blessed to have the community of people around me to help over the last 3 years. As much as it has been hard, without their help I would not be where I am today, nor have the courage to be vulnerable enough to put pen to paper. This has been far harder to write than I expected. As I talk to others, I feel more compelled to share, as I truly want others to know that that are on the same journey know they are not alone.
Below are some things that I have learned, some serious and some not so much.
- There is no right way to grieve. Sometimes we put false expectations upon ourselves to act /feel in certain way. It is a personal journey and while I tried not to care what others thought it was hard. I had to give myself grace to do what right for me.
- Some say people can't change, and I whole hardheartedly disagree with that. You can’t go through something as life changing as I did, without change. I am not the same person I was prior to October 2021, and I am okay with that. I am now Michelle 2.0
- Reaching out to a friend to say " I am not okay” is an act of courage, not weakness. Having them text back “I got you” is a gift I will always cherish.
- You can't power your way through grief. I tried to do that by trying to go through all the stages as quickly as I could. All the stages get mixed up depending on time and circumstance and you need to experience these to move to progress.
- Accepting help when you need it shows strength and I was amazed at those that offered without being asked. They seemed to know when I needed it most.
- That some things that seemed so important before, were in fact very trivial.
- Choosing to be vulnerable to those around me brought strength, courage and freedom.
- Running a household on my own was harder than I expected. (Who knew you had to change the furnace filter that often?!?!)
- Playing music really loud and just dancing is good for the soul.
- Cats, dogs and horses are excellent secret keepers.
- Exercise can be fun and not just torture.
- Cooking gets easier the more you do it and YouTube and Google are your friends. This past Christmas I cooked a 11-pound rib roast for first time, and no one got sick.
- Gardening and playing in the dirt helps you relax and find peace in a way that I did not previously understand.
- To give grace to those I meet in my day. You have no clue what is happening in their personal life, they too might be just trying to survive
- Pay it forward I owe it to myself and to others, to help new widows and widowers, as others helped me. Again, it is a club we never asked to join.
Three years have gone by, and has it been easy, absolutely not. This journey has been up and down but, with each day, it does it get easier. It has been three years of tears, healing, learning and embracing changes.
It is now March, and I am looking out the window at my garden deciding what to plant, getting ready to order a big load of dirt and continuing to embrace the changes that are becoming Michelle 2.0.
Bio: Michelle is a veteran of the channel. She has worked for both vendors and distributors in a variety of roles but has found that distribution is where her heart is. She has been an active member of the Women of the Channel and has made their prestigious list 7 years in a row. Her passion outside of work is animals and has three horses and three cats. In the summer she is beginning her show career were she competes as an adult amateur in dressage and western dressage. She finds that horses help her find balance between a busy career and taking care of herself.